People underestimate my ability to cut them out of my life within a blink of an eye. 

But every action, every human being has its story behind their behavior. So who am I to judge? 

Acceptance is a small and quiet room but it always leaves you enough room to breathe. 

Insomnia can be a good thing sometimes. 

Have you ever felt the gentle deafing form of quiet? 

Listening to absolute silence at 3am in the morning.

I got insomniac nights since years - I can't even tell exactly when it started and I don't even wanna call it a bad thing or something that's haunting me.

The only nights I'm able to get some decent sleep are the nights which I spend with the one I love. It's not that it's just because I feel save and secure. It must be something different which I can't explain for myself but there's no need to anyhow.

There are days I feel like being stuck in Fight Club. I'm suffering from my sleepless nights, I'm not really awake the whole day, my mood is changing every 5 Minutes and I just wanna go back to bed - but at the same time those are the days in which I get super creative.

I think it's wrong to always call it "suffering from Insomnia".
  It can also be a blessing as well if you know how to handle it.

I'm slowly getting to the point where I can see the good in it. I always loved silence. I always loved to be on my own and I always loved the dark. To wrap myself in the night sky, either if its foggy or clear. It changes your point of view about this always changing world. It slows everything down and gives you some time to breathe calmly
 while the entire daytime is trying to smother you.

A few weeks ago I decided to leave social media for a while. I was so bored and felt like stuck in someones life which didn't really satisfied me at all. 

I'm not that kind of a fancy person, I'm not blessed with a big self esteem and I don't want to put myself in competitions with others.

I pretended to be strong, never struggling, as fancy as you can imagine, and last but not least: myself - wearing cool clothes which I was allowed to rent at some even fancier showrooms, sleeping in hotels fancier than any flat you'll see on Tumblr and drinking my Soya Caramel Diet Latte #sponsoeredbystarbucks and called this "life". 

I missed the times where I called my mom without asking if I had receive  a new package with clothes as a gift from Label XY ; but simply asked her how her day was or how she's feeling. 

I was no longer keen on spending time on my phone thinking about my next Instagram Post - telling people to be themselves while I wasn't even able to count how many filters I've used to make this picture look like I'm flawless. 

So 67934724439 Selfies later, 59349 drinks later - calmed down from being a bit aggressive I deactivated my Instagram and felt like something's missing. I really got anxious all of a sudden!

I deactivated an APP (!) and felt anxious?! 

Societys idea of being successful and beautiful got way too far with me.

I've spend time by myself. It's something we've started to fear - but as long as you're not able to spend time alone you'll never figure out who you really are. Sure it's way more comfortable to stare at a screen and let society, bloggers and labels define you or show you an direction, but that's not what life is for. It's the biggest adventure you can attend. 

So why not simply turn the back on all this and explore yourself?

That's what I did and what I still do. That's how I disappeared. 

I’m pretty bad at shutting my mouth. And especially my mom knows that I got a strong opinion to nearly everything - but I still don’t know how to feel about this “metoo” hashtag. I don’t wanna use it officially in here. While I was reading some of the post here on my facebook I was like: “wow. who gave you such a shame for being the person you are? you’re still here, you might be struggling and you might be suffering - but you’ll also grow. no need to be depressed. change the game!”. So I kept on reading and I stumbled across the following: 

i am a very private person. sometimes.

 i just want to be left alone, but at the same time i wanna share everything with the people close to me. 

i love small things. i can watch how the cream in my coffee creates a whole new galaxy. i can spend hours in a book store. i love how foggy and puffy the world gets before it starts to rain. i can be on my own for days without any need to talk. i can just sit on the ground and keep watching the ocean for hours. 

i always thought that i’m a storm, probably because I wanted to see myself like this. 

i wanted to be the changing thing, the one who’s always restless. the more i’ve spend time on my own the last days I figured out that I’m not the storm itself. 

i rooted myself. got back to the person i was way before life told me who i should become. i need a constant whirlwind around me. i need change, but i don't wanna be the one who’s changing. i’m not the one who’s loud. 

i’m the quiet one. the eye of the storm. I need to be surrounded by chaos. i need a constant change. i need trouble and i need to get lost. at the same time, i need to be calm. i need to be quiet. 

i’m a collection of paradoxes.